“Well, who is in charge here?
We are.
Yes, but if push comes to shove, who is the leader?
We are.
But then who is the spiritual head of your home?
Only Jesus.”
This dialogue from Sarah Bessey’s Jesus Feminist illustrates many Christians’ confusion about the controversial topic of submission. Many people assume that there must be one leader in a marriage for it to function—and that leader must be male. This belief seems to come from a poor understanding or application of the Ephesians 5 passage, in which Paul instructs wives to “submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church.” Theologian Rebecca Carlson explores this more in her article, “What is Submission: A Theological Perspective.” As a psychologist, I want to explore more of what submission looks like in interpersonal relationships.
What is Submission?
The dictionary defines submission as “the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person”. Right away, the phrase “superior force” is off-putting to me. In the context of the Ephesians 5 passage, this seems to suggest that males are somehow “superior” in strength, value, or authority. Another definition of submission is “to be subject to a particular process, treatment, or condition”. The phrase that stands out here is “subject”; this word directly implies the subjugation of women to men. Other synonyms for submit include “to surrender” and “to give in”. None of these terms accurately capture the mutual respect, giving, and teamwork that I believe God calls us to in relationships.
Instead, we might define submission as “to yield” or “to defer humbly to a person or a person’s wishes”. As Ephesians 5:21 says, we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis added). All Christians are called to submission—both males and females, single or married, old or young. If we reconceptualize submission as humbly deferring or yielding our preferences and desires to the needs of another, we can wholeheartedly embrace mutual submission within the context of healthy interpersonal relationships.
Mutual Submission
Complementarian couples often express the need for a “trump card” in arguments. “When push comes to shove”, there must be a leader or someone with the final say—and that someone is always male. The wife must always submit to the husband’s opinion as a show of respect for his position as “head” of the marriage.
In a relationship of mutual submission, we can forget the husband trump card. If both partners are looking to put the other one first, and this is done in an environment of equality, respect, and justice, then there is no need for a leader to have the final say. An egalitarian marriage of mutual submission is characterized by a humble attitude of serving one’s spouse. Both partners can seek resolution of differences through prayer, thoughtful consideration, and a willingness to sacrifice for the good of the marriage.
Sacrifice in Marriage
Sacrifice might leave a bad taste in our mouths, but psychological research has found many positive benefits of sacrifice in marriage. Sacrifice is defined as “the act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy”. Sacrifice in relationships refers to behavior in which one partner gives up an immediate personal desire in order to benefit the relationship or the other partner1. Instead of feeling resentful for “giving up,” the partner who’s sacrificing can think of the sacrifice as a benefit to his/her spouse and the marriage. This ends up ultimately benefiting the partner who sacrifices as well.
An attitude of sacrifice in a relationship can also transform our motivations. We are more motivated to make choices that benefit our marriage and we feel more positively toward our spouse. Research has found that sacrifice benefits relationships for several reasons: it creates a general climate of trust in the relationship, it communicates one’s good intentions toward the marriage, and it inspires further acts of sacrifice in both partners. All these positive benefits are associated with long-term relationship satisfaction and commitment3. In fact, marriage researcher and author John Gottman found that the happiest, most stable marriages are those in which husbands do not resist sharing power and decision making with their wives, leading Gottman to advise that you “let your partner influence you”.4
Practical Applications
What does mutual submission look like practically in a marriage? As the opening passage by Sarah Bessey illustrates, only Jesus is the spiritual leader of the marriage. Both partners take turns submitting to each other and allowing the other partner to influence them. Both partners look for opportunities to sacrifice for the good of the marriage.5
Do I submit to my husband? Yes, when I realize God is leading me to yield my opinion out of respect for my husband. Does he submit to me? Yes, when he realizes God is leading him to yield his opinion out of respect for me. That is what mutual submission means—that both partners sacrifice for the other and for the good of the marriage and that neither partner is required or expected to do it more than the other.
It is hard for me to come by practical examples of submission in my marriage because we so often come to resolution together. A few examples are too private to share, but I would like to offer two minor examples. My husband is the type of person who is stressed if he is not on time to events. His motto is, “if you are on time, you’re late”. I, on the other hand, like to roll into events either right on time or even a few minutes late if possible. Our time incompatibility is most apparent on Sunday mornings when we are leaving for church. I don’t mind arriving at church as the welcome worship song is underway, whereas my husband wants to be in the seats before the first “Good morning”. Are either of us right or wrong? No, but the amount of stress it puts on my husband when we are not early is not worth my inclination to take it easy in the morning. I choose to yield my preference and submit to his desire to arrive early out of respect for him.
Similarly, my husband and I have different ideas about what constitutes a “clean” home. My standards for cleanliness, though not obsessive, are higher than my husband’s. He does not seem to see what I consider messes. I would like our home to be cleaned more frequently than he cares. Are either of us right or wrong? No, but there are times the house must be cleaned, particularly when we are hosting family. Since we both work full-time and practice equal partnership in our marriage, we both share in running the household, including the cleaning responsibilities. We divide chores based on personal interest, skill, and schedules. My husband often vacuums and cleans bathrooms far more than he would like to and more than he thinks necessary. He chooses to yield his preference and submit to my desire for a clean house out of respect for me.
The Beauty of Submission
Ultimately, relationships are not about hierarchy and power structures. Sarah Bessey6 implores that “If wives submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ, and if husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church…and if both husbands and wives to submit to one another as commanded, we enter a never ending, life giving circle of mutual submission and love.” There is a difference between submission offered out of love and respect, out of a desire to sacrifice for the good of your partner and the relationship, than submission demanded because of gender. “Marriage is a beautiful example of oneness and cooperation, an image of the dance of the Trinity in perfect unity”.6 May we express that unity of the Trinity and the beauty of Christ’s love for the Church through mutual submission in our relationships.
Dr. Camden Morgante is a licensed clinical psychologist who writes about psychology, Christianity, and gender equality on her website and on social media. She is a regular contributor to Christians for Biblical Equality’s blog Mutuality. She is currently working on a book proposal on purity culture. Camden lives with her husband and daughter in Knoxville, Tennessee.
You can take Camden’s free quiz “Which Purity Culture Myth Affects You?”
1Whitton, S. W., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2007). If I help my partner, will it hurt me? Perceptions of sacrifice in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26, 64-92.
2 Van Lange, P. A. M., Rusbult, C. E., Drigotas, S. M., Arriga, X. B., & Witcher, B. S. (1997). Willingness to sacrifice in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 1373–1395.
3Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., Sadberry, S. L., Clements, M. L., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sacrifice as a predictor of marital outcomes. Family Process, 45, 289-303.
4Gottman, John and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press, 1999.
5I want to emphasize again that all of this applies to a healthy marriage of mutual respect and justice. It does not apply in cases of abuse, coercion, manipulation, or mistreatment. I always recommend that readers seek professional therapy for their own unique situation.
6Bessey, Sarah. Jesus Feminist. Howard Books, 2013.
